GUILT

I always have it and have always had it - but when I became a parent, it was multiplied. I feel guilty about everything. I feel guilty leaving to go to work in the morning. I feel guilty if I come home late from work. I feel guilty because Jon is home with the kids all day. Guilty because I am missing time with my kids. There is just guilt everywhere I turn. And now that I have started this blog, I feel guilty that I haven't updated it in a month (and I sincerely apologize for that!).

Every morning when I leave to go to work, I hate it. I feel bad for leaving. I miss the kids and I can't help but have this guilt about leaving Jon all day. I get that it is his job now and he does a great job, but it doesn't matter. I just feel guilty about it. Charlotte usually handles it pretty darn well and just says, "Bye Mommy. See you when you get home from work. Have a great day." Meanwhile, I'm standing there feeling like crap. When I get home from work, I am immediately in mom mode. But then there are those moments when I am putting Charlotte to bed and feeling so relieved that both kids are asleep - and then I feel guilty for THAT! It just doesn't end. I'm pretty sure it probably never does. Just like the worry, love, hurt, laughter, etc. I guess you have to just learn to let go a little bit and know that going to work is best for them in the long run - I guess eating and having a house are pretty helpful for them too. Even if I can't be with them all day.

I did something...

If you've been reading these blogs, or if you know Charlotte, you know...she's trouble. She's wonderful and hilarious and every other fabulous word I can think of - but...she is also a lot of trouble. She LOVES Curious George - which is sort of a problem because he is just a handful and she seems to copy him. She is so, SO curious, but she is also a planner. She doesn't just notice something and go check out what it is. She waits. She thinks. She plans her trouble.

She can be fully focused on coloring or watching Curious George or transporting something from one of her bags to another and you can think she is not even paying attention to you. Sometimes I try talking to her, but she is so into what she is doing that she barely responds to you. I can get a mumbled "okay, Mommy" out of her. And then, you leave the room and she puts her plan into action. Generally, I leave the room because I have to put Jack to bed or take care of something for him. I don't like to leave her alone (because she's trouble!), but there are times when I have no choice...and she knows it. I have walked out of the room before just to see what she does and it is amazing. She will not even look up from her activity, even when you have told her you are leaving the room. She listens for your footsteps and when she can't hear them anymore, she jumps and does whatever it is she's been planning for the day. Sometimes it is to climb up and get some piece of food she spotted earlier in the pantry. The other day it was to reach into the drawer and get out the bag of birthday candles. She always loves, and just waits for the moment, to push the button on the receiver of her monitor so that it changes the channel and it starts to beep. It drives us crazy. After she does it and you walk back into the room, she turns, and gives you that look and says "I did something..." You can't always figure out what it is right away but you eventually find it!

Tonight, while I was upstairs putting my precious little man (who only laughs and smiles and cuddles - and isn't trouble yet!) to bed, I hear one of Charlotte's plans being put into action. She is outside his room making an attempt to transport her laundry from where it was to wherever she has decided it needed to be. I have gotten much quicker about checking on her when I hear either an unknown noise or not enough noise. I rush to his bedroom door to see what she is doing. She freezes and gives me a look. I give her a look right back, tell her to not move everything, and then she gives me the most priceless response. She says, "I need to Mommy, please try to understand." And the thing is - I think she genuinely meant it. She can't help but "do something"...and I wouldn't have her any other way!

The Universal Language

No - not love. Or math.

On this blog site, you can see the countries where someone has read your blog. I happen to look tonight and saw that I had readers in United Arab Emirates, Russia, Germany, and Pakistan. I was surprised. I mean, it was just one or two people in each place, but still, they were reading it. Then it got me thinking about how crazy it is that there could be some nice Pakistani mom reading this and thinking...ooh, that crazy little Charlotte. Weird. That then led me to think about how parenting is pretty much the universal "language."

You can be at the park, someone's kid might fall down and you will immediately (at least I will!) go and help them. The parent won't (hopefully) give you dirty looks or think you're a perv, they'll just be thankful and go to their kid. They get it. They're a parent. You can be walking around in a store and go past a mom and her child, who is screaming his head off in the cart. You and that mom can just exchange a glance and she hears you saying "I feel your pain" although neither one of you has said any words. When I think of a parent in another country, who might not speak English (but obviously does if they're reading this!) reading this, I can just imagine their child throwing the equivalent to a bagel down their toilet and being able to sympathize with them with just a look.

Before I was a parent, I would be so incredibly nervous about every social situation. Meeting new people, going to a party, attending some event. I would stress about every new person I might meet and what we could talk about and get sweaty hands and get so uncomfortable worrying about just a conversation that might happen. Now, when I meet new people, a lot of times they're parents and we ALWAYS have something to talk to each other about. I'm pretty sure we could talk for hours and hours and never run out of things to talk about. (That might just be because we never get through a whole conversation because we're chasing after our kids.) I might not actually like or enjoy every parent I meet, but we can certainly understand each other. So I could probably meet a Pakistani mother and her kids and not worry at all that it might be awkward simply because we're parents.

Santa's watching

Yes, you read correctly. Santa. Yes, it is only October 2nd. Yes, the bribery has begun in our house. We didn't really mean for it to happen. And I'm not even really sure it will last all the way until Christmas, but we're doing it. We're using "Santa's watching" as our current behavior tactic, in October.

A little girl (let's call her Chloe) who lives next door has been visiting fairly often the past few weeks and her room and Charlotte's room are across the way from each other. Every day Charlotte looks out her window and sees Chloe's doll house and they are always talking to each other about it - mostly because Charlotte brings it up. So, she has decided that she wants one of her own and that turned into her asking us for one. We told her that maybe she could ask Santa for it when Christmas came, not realizing she wouldn't let it go. We should have known better. This is really the first year she can understand the concept of Santa, so we explained to her how it works. How Santa will watch her and that she needs to be good...and then she started responding to it. She could be in the middle of a fit or about to do something she really shouldn't and you could say, Santa wouldn't like that...and she just stops. It's amazing. How could we not use this?? Like I said, it might not last all the way until December, but for now, it is definitely helping out.

I know she'll be continuously trying to convince us that her behavior doesn't matter and that she should get presents anyway. Or she'll be thinking up some plans on how to get around this whole behavior thing...because that's just what she does. She started the other day. She picked up the phone and pretended she was talking to someone. When we asked her who it was she said "Santa." Then I asked her what he said and she shouted "Give me a doll house!" Sooo, we'll so how this thing plays out! :-)